exactly a year ago i clicked on "publish" for the first time here, on the blog. this post became a new chapter for me. also i wrote this one in order to explain better what the whole "what being twenty is like" concept was about. since then i have published ninety four posts and i cannot wait to write more. so what was it all like for me three hundred sixty five (actually six) days ago?
i was in paris for three and a half months and i felt happy, motivated and lost at the same time. basically, it seemed like i wanted to do much more than i was able to and i could not come to terms with such an idea. life after graduating the university was not working out like i dreamed and planned it would, so there was a lot of stress and disappointment. however, i was also happy and grateful for an amazing chance to be in paris, to attend classes and lectures at a school organized by sorbonne for international students. i improved my french, i learnt more about french art and literature, as well as had an incredible quantity of positive experiences and met an oustanding person, whom i hope to visit early or late in london. hint-hint!
at the same time, there was the writing part. i thought i would write more than ever after i set myself free from university, but it was not happening. i remember being extremely tired of being so limited, of feeling helpless and useless, because i had to receive someone`s approval before others could read my texts. yes, of course, i was used to this system, as i had previously worked as a journalist for a couple of years, but at some point there were too many "no-s" and not enough "yes-es". did it make me question my writing? of course, it did, but the truth is i write because there is an inner something that pushes me to write, i do not write because i decided this is what i will do. even if i decide not to do it, i won`t be able to. it is a part of me! one day i realized that i did not want to be restrained anymore, i did not want to wait until someone saw something in my thoughts and words. i just wanted to write, write, write and then share it with readers, so i wondered, how could i do it?
i considered starting a blog once before. i was sixteen and just out of school. i remember finding out about blogs (the first ones that i started following on a regular basis and before any of them became huge were kenzas, cocorosa and the blonde salad), thinking that i would love to have such a platform for myself. i have always loved clothing and storytelling, i thought it would be so interesting to be able to use those tools to create something of my own, but then i found numerous reasons not to do it and so i did not. a year later i made my first baby steps at mercedes-benz kiev fashion days, posted my first set of short interviews and then started interning as a journalist at fashion week daily, which would later turn into a job. it seemed like i found my place and there were no thoughts of blogging ever again until the year when i became almost completely free - i was neither employed, nor a full-time student. at some point an idea came to mind "why don`t i create a blog?". i was surprized, but out of a sudden i just made a decision to do it and i did not care about anything else. i would start a blog!
a b l o g! it was frightening to announce it on social media that i was doing it, i was afraid of the feedback i would receive and, frankly speaking, i still am. every time i mention a new post on my blog, i wonder whether there is someone who is making fun of what i am doing. moreover, to some this has been an odd move in professional terms, from time to time i get this kind of looks "what? you have a blog now? why would you?", but guess what? i do not want to care! i am doing my thing and it makes me happy. and i am definitely lucky to have such people around me, who nurture my creativity and support whatever i am up to. i am lucky and forever grateful, because i am surrounded by kind and generous human beings. two thousand sixteen has been a damn rollercoaster, a very bumpy road full of disappointments, challenges and losses. it was bad. literally every single thing that could go wrong, went wrong, but life went on and so did i.
there have been various events that i could not control, at some points i was not in control of my life in a way, but throughout all of it there were a few things that i was in charge of, including my space, my blog. it has been a reminder to me that no matter what happens, i must shape up and write two posts a week, because i gave myself a promise. this is going to sounds cheesy as f, but i have been my own motivation. wait what? well, yes, a blog was not something i had to do, neither was posting twice a week. none of it was compulsory, but i wanted it all and i kept on doing it. i used to think that i could write for myself and keep an insane amount of notes and doc files on my devices, that this was enough, but there is a great difference between writing once in a lifetime when you are experiencing a wave of emotions and having a schedule to stick to. life changes, i change, but one thing remains the same - i have a longing to write.
to sum this up, i would like to mention a book that i am currently reading - "the artist's way" by julia cameron. i have had this book for three or fours years and this is not my first attempt to read it, but i know for sure that this is going to be the one when i will come to its end, as well as use the ideas that this book is filled with. it is exceptional and is exactly what i needed. among numerous striking ones, i found a simple part, which resonated to me and which was a perfect embodiment of what blogging felt like - "i cannot believe that i have not done this before". I CANNOT BELIEVE IT, but i am so happy that a year ago something changed and i felt ready and open to start this blog. i thank you for coming here, for taking your time to read what i have written, for being kind and not judging me too harshly. i am grateful and if i could, i would hug each and one of you. also i would send you a lovely card! writing is the most special thing that i have within me and i am psyched to share it with you!
p.s. if there is anything you really-really want to do, but there is fear involved, ignore that bastard and just go for it!!! and good luck <3